One year ago (November 24th, 2011), I got diagnosed with cancer...... I remember that day so clearly..... The night before, I went to the walk in clinic at my doctor's office with Lanna and Will and the girls, just to get the results from my ultrasound because I did not want to wait for an appointment... I remember the doctor reading the words out loud. Large mass in retroperitoneal space measuring 15.1 cm long. That night, he told me to go to emergency, with the note he had given me to get an emergency CAT Scan. I was scared...... I'm still scared....and probably will always feel a little scared. The next morning, I dropped Kyra off at her nanny's and as I was still breastfeeding, I took baby Megan, then only 3 months old with me to the Queensway Carleton Hospital, with my doctor's note and Lanna and Anna met me there and waited the day out with me. Cranky baby and all, I was told I could not breastfeed for 24 hours after scan and was not impressed. Lanna and the nurses ran around the hospital trying to find baby Megan formula and I cried thinking it was not fair that I could not feed my baby girl because of a stupid test..... Little did I know that would be the least of my worries for the next little while... Spent many hours at the hospital waiting for the results of the scan and Lanna had to leave for a while to bring Anna and her girls home. As Murphy's Law is always there, as soon as she left, the doctor called me in to share my results. He asked me to go in a private room to give me the results and told me that I needed to put the baby down before he spoke to me because it was serious... At that moment I knew that I would not be able to handle the news alone and I asked the doctor to wait until my support was back. I rushed to the phone and called Lanna and said " Please hurry, it's bad news and I need you". Lanna showed back up in less than 2 minutes. We went back into the little private room and I put baby Megan down in her car seat and Lanna and I sat hugging on the exam table and listened as the doctor said the C word.... We both broke down into tears and I have never felt so scared, shocked and fearful in my life!!!!!!!!
Then the tumultuous appointments and hospital visits started. 4 long rounds of chemo, 2 lengthy hospital stays due to infection, 4 blood transfusions, 25 radiation treatments, 4 trips to Toronto and scans upon scans upon scans later, I am here today. Still waiting..... still alive..... still shining....... still praying.... still positive.....still fighting...
In this year, I've celebrated baby M's First Christmas, First Easter and First Birthday (August 17th). Watched her learn how to sit, how to crawl and now how to walk.
I've also celebrated miss K's 3rd birthday (January 10th, 2012) and watched her grow into a beautiful little girl, who is so in love with her mama and is my greatest little helper.
Just goes to show you how much can be thrown on one person's plate that they have no choice but to handle.
I''ll tell you this, there are days when I don't feel so strong, so positive, or so happy, but I'm still here and still fighting and will continue to fight until the end....
This week I've tried to contact Toronto twice to no avail...both doctors that I have contact info for are on holidays until next week. I'm getting frustrated of the constant waiting, but at the same time enjoying the break from hospitals, but it's hard to keep going, and always wondering what the next step is. I want to enjoy my holidays with my girls and have a bit of a clue of what is happening before the holidays come upon us.
What will I write next year when I hit this anniversary date? Will I ever forget this date or will it always be engraved in my head like it was yesterday? Only time will tell... But for now.. Positive thoughts, positive prayers and positive smiles..
Peace and love to everyone,
I hope that everyone enjoys the holidays coming up